irreligious at best.

somehow there's this break in the time space continuum that i reach every now and again where things line up. this is always a very crazy and chaotic time in my life, and though things never seem like they should be fine, i haven't a care in the world.


right now i'm sitting on my back porch at two am on a friday morning facing the facts that are my life. first off, the most pressing is always money. it's always the most pressing because i never have a lot of it and when i do it's always dog eared for something important. i have a certain amount of money for the month of august and in that month i have many things i want to do and there won't be enough to do them all, and i'm frankly all right with this. i think i never have more money than i need, and if things need to be cut then i don't need them. this is obvious to me because if i needed them there'd be money for them. it's a circular argument to be sure, but as much as i love rationality, some things at some points will never be rationalized.


second is the impending school year. i say impending because it is a year that should never have happened. i used to be able to live life without regrets and unfortunately i have two scars that can't be summed up in any other way than a regret. i honestly regret being a music major for a year and a half. it set me behind of a schedule that i knew was coming together anyway. decisions made on passion alone are rarely good ones, and this one truly bit me in an abnormal way. this year should never have happened because there is no earthly reason for it to be other than a bad choice at a bad time. but that's ok, because college is the time and place to make costly decisions about how you think life should or shouldn't be, to find out who you are and if you don't like it make some changes. sometimes you'll be surprised that the things you don't like at first are the things that you wouldn't change for the world. some things need changing no matter how hard the change is and we know it's good. and there are some things that shouldn't change and when they are changed it can throw a wrench in the works, but in the end it always seems to come down to a roll of the dice at a craps table when you're on fire: it may look bad at first, but through dumb luck it works out.


third is the epiphany that you are finally over someone and it's ok to move on. this feeling is truly strange because if you think about someone in a certain way for years and hold onto hope for reasons best described as inane, you suddenly feel guilty about it and let it go and realize that you aren't missing anything. this is an epiphany that hit me a few nights ago and it was a doozy. after all this time it's true what they say that time heals all wounds to some extent. it's odd for a skeptic to hear, but it's tough to argue with what amounts to personal anecdotal evidence. healing is good, no matter how befuddled it leaves you.


sometimes i think this is why i can honestly say that i am an agnostic christian. i have an incredibly humanistic view of christianity, and it will no doubt come across strong if you ask me the right questions (try the will of a benevolent God or any number of topics involving free will and pain). no matter what evidence you lay at my feet these days it does not seem credible under the eye of skepticism, and i am fairly skeptical of a lot of things these days. but that doesn't matter to me anymore. there is a God. for some reason he's obscured himself away from the bounds of rationality and outside of the realm of human reason. anyone who disagrees with me can explain to me the concept of a wholly just God that is completely merciful. the argument could be made that these are just words that fail to grasp the nature of God, but the concepts are completely exclusionary. if the devil is in the details, then perhaps God is in the mystery.